I am having a low day
for no reason.

It hit
and hit hard
just out of the blue.

I had managed
to go a month
without one of these.
Or almost a month.

Right now
I want to scream
and throw things.
Hard.
I want to break things
shatter things
into pieces so small
you can’t tell what they were before.

I don’t want to be
near myself right now.

I don’t want
to workout.
Today or tomorrow
or ever ever ever again
and that leaves me
feeling hopeless and
like a quitter.
To make it worse
I’m so damn sore
an so damn tired
and depressed
with
how much work goes into this
and how little
I feel I am getting out of it..
It’s not WORTH it,
it’s not worth
being this tired
and hurting this much
all the time
only to feel
depressed and frustrated
and have to fight against
all the damn issues I have
at the same time
in order to get
minimal return on it all.

David telling me
that I may never lose
the baby belly
or the love handles
sure as all hell didn’t help either.
That I’d need to do something else
other than what I am doing
to get rid of them
like surgery.
I know he was trying to be realistic,
but really,
who tells their wife that
when she says
she feels fat and unattractive
and tired and sore and frustrated?

I am sick
of goddamn cardio workouts.
I am sick
of having to talk myself out of
worrying if I’m eating too much,
and that’s why I see no change.
I gave up caffeine, Coke, soda in general
(for me, but still did it)
and my weight went UP.
I worry
that I’ve screwed my body up so much
I can’t eat normally
without gaining,
and all the nutrition training
and biochem reading
cannot reason
with irrational fears
and something that is starting to seem
a bit like an eating disorder.
Reason just can’t win,
even when I know
that it takes time to adjust
after not eating enough for so long,
and even though I know
your body will gain at first
but once it gets used to the new adjustment
it will settle in and drop the ‘panic’ weight.
I KNOW THIS.
It does not take away the fear
that I’m just wrong
and that I’m doomed to gain
short of starvation.

And no,
I don’t want to hear
how a pound of muscle
takes up less space than fat
and that
I’m probably getting smaller
and losing fat
but staying the same weight.
BULLSHIT.
Clothes fit pretty much the same.
Body fat % on the scale
while not that accurate as far as the number goes,
hasn’t changed either.
So now
I get to feel
tired and sore
on top of feeling
fat and unattractive.

Yes,
I know,
fuck ,
I KNOW,
okay?
I know the list of positives.
But today
it doesn’t outweigh
the negatives.
I’ve injured myself twice
and give up
an hour+ of my quiet time
where the boys are at school
to do this
and it feels like I am
wasting it.
But I’m too tired
to do it
at night.

Then there is
the emotional tension.
While
I feel like I am wasting my time
when it is all said and done
right now
I also
don’t want to quit.
I want to prove to myself
I can finish something
even when it gets hard.
Even when I don’t want to.
Maybe if I can finish this
I’ll find the strength and drive
to finish my damn certificate too.
Maybe I’ll slowly
start to turn the tides
against feeling
like an unaccomplished quitter
who runs away from everything
as soon as it gets hard
or when I no longer want to do it.
Because yes
that is what it comes down to right now.

Do I want this more,
do I want this enough
to overcome myself?
Am I stronger than
the conditioning and situations
that taught me how to be
the person who I have been?
Can I pull (or drag) myself above
the habits and conditioning and patterns
that I have let run my life for so long
and become
who I am meant to be,
who I want to be?
I have to be.

Which sounds
all fine and dandy
until I walk past a mirror
and courtesy
of being tired and sore
and frustrated
kinda just want to cry
and never eat again.

I am so tired
of feeling like
I am constantly fighting
against two sides of myself.
I am tired of being
my own Devil’s Advocate.
I wish I could reconcile both sides
and just
be whole.

–

That aside,
I may not do today’s workout.
It’s recovery week
and it’s an hour of stretching
and I am not in
a good place right now,
and on top of that
tomorrow is yoga again
AND
Paul’s 8th Birthday.

–

I am just going to pretend
that I can see change
and try to ignore
what hasn’t.
If I feel like I can handle working out tonight
or maybe this afternoon,
then I will.
Otherwise,
I’m going to take care
of the other parts of myself
and give myself permission
to retreat a bit
mentally and emotionally
until I am not so tired,
until I have dealt with
some of what is bothering me,
once I figure out
what it all is.

–

In positive news
pulled out my runes
and my new tarot card deck last night,
asked a question
and then let them speak to me.
I technically did two readings,
one rune and one tarot,
with the intention of seeing
where the overlap was
if the answers were similar.
They didn’t overlap,
and the answers were not similar.
It was all one answer.
The level of complexity was mind boggling
and it took me hours to pull it together,
but when it all was pulled into place
I had an answer
unlike any I’ve ever had before.
Both had a message of their own,
and would have been valid separately.
They would have,
however,
been HELL to read separately,
and I know,
because I TRIED.
Don’t get me wrong here -
I GOT answers with each individually -
but when I put them together…
the interaction between the two
was just…
I was floored.

“The adjectives may  change
but the message is the same.”

The runes stayed true to form
with multiple layers of meaning
and sometimes
meanings that were simpler than expected.
But the rune reading as a whole
didn’t start to REALLY gel
until I added the cards.
It was a bit like
putting on 3D glasses
for  3D movie.
You can still tell what is going on without them
but those glasses
bring the red and the blue together
and it brings it all
into focus.

I did write down the actual reading
and my interpretation of it.
Each of the parts separately
and how they worked together.
So I can go back later
and check and see
if there are any similarities
to how things actually went.
Recording the results
of experiments
to support or disprove
these theories
I’m testing.

Who says
you can’t prove
intuition?