About

Hi!

My name is Abby. I have (have, not am) Bipolar Disorder. (Yes, I am Bipolar Disorder. :facepalm: ) I don’t quite think that’s what my psychiatrist would want me to say right after introducing myself, but hey, it works for now!

I was diagnosed in January or so of 2010. Initial diagnosis was by a Primary Care Physician (PCP), and the official Psychiatrist Diagnosis was the first week of February. It was a relief to finally have a diagnosis that explained more than just the depressions. I had, years ago, been diagnosed with Dysthymia, despite mentioning to that particular PCP my suspicions about bipolar disorder. (I have family members who have also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.)

My Bipolar: Officially, I am a primarily depressed bipolar something or other, with short episodes of hypomania, along with rapid cycling. Really rapid cycling. (Well, I *think* that’s what it is. I’m not sure if rapid cycling is on my charts, but I know I cycle more than once a month, so…and no, I’m not counting THAT cycle. )

I have been on 300mg of Wellbutrin SR for years. I have tried Lamictal (got a rash) and Gabitril (all I wanted to do was sleep, and then got close to panic attacks for the first time in my life. I think NOT.) Lamictal worked really well, but because of the rash, that one got nixed. I did a month or so on supplements – fish oil and magnesium – which, while they worked some, were just enough to keep me fully functional as a mom. (Never mind getting homework done.) In May 2010 I started Geodon (20mg at night) and miraculously, it seems to be working. We’ll see how it goes long term. Fingers crossed!

I officially decided to start Life @ the Poles for myself, mostly. I need (needed) a place where I could write about the ups and downs and twists and turns that go on in my head. My psychiatrist, Dr W, says that I am a normal person dealing with a disorder; that I am not abnormal. (He’s a good guy.) Still, even if I am a normal person and it’s just the disorder that tweaks my behaviors on occasion, there are a LOT of people who look at me, talk to me, or read what I write and wonder what on earth is going on inside MY head. (Look, see! I did not say “what is wrong with me” – progress!) Some of that can be attributed to being an artist, of course, and I’m proud of those parts of me. However, there are parts that are related to the disorder, and even if I am normal, not everyone understands that it is the disorder expressing itself, not necessarily Me. As a result, over the years I convinced myself that it was my fault, that I was a weak, stupid, crazy person – when I was anything but. Writing helps me work through the conditioning, and let it go.

As I started to write and work through all of the past junk, I realized that a lot of that junk could have been avoided, or at least it’s effect minimized, if I was aware that it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t weak, stupid or lazy. Unfortunately, I didn’t have proof to the contrary. On top of that, I had no one to relate to, no one else who said, hey, I go through those things too, this is totally normal, keep holding on, okay? So, along with being for me, Life @ the Poles is also for everyone else out there who is or may have Bipolar Disorder in any of it’s many forms and is still dealing with feeling crazy. So you have proof that you are not crazy, and have an example of it. So you have someone to relate to, proof that they are not the only ones who feel this way or think these things. Because sometimes not feeling so alone is the first step towards not feeling like it’s your fault, towards being able to believe that you are ‘Normal’.

All that said, there are things I do not (yet) have very good control over, no matter how hard I try. This lack of control on my part and the lack of understanding about how this disorder can express itself is something that makes having this Disorder harder than it otherwise could be. Family and friends, co-workers, parents, siblings, children, once they understand more, they have the opportunity to go from being judgemental and critical to supportive and encouraging. Sadly, an open, day to day account of living with this disorder is something I’ve had a hard time finding. Yes, there are books on Bipolar Disorder, and An Unquiet Mind is a fantastic resource and probably the closest published resource for life with this disorder – I would highly recommend reading it. But that’s not day to day. The Idiot’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder and other more clinical and symptomatic (even self-help) books don’t necessarily openly expose the inner workings of a Bipolar Brain, wandering the maze that is itself. Like talk therapy with meds, the books are a necessary part of educating others about Bipolar Disorder, but sometimes what you need most is someone else to explain to those dealing with a loved one with Bipolar Disorder that “Hey, this is normal.” So, that’s also what Life @ the Poles is for. For anyone dealing with someone they know or love with Bipolar Disorder.

So, in summary (it’s good writing to have a summary at the end, I’m told), Life @ the Poles is to tell those living with Bipolar Disorder, to explain to those who know someone dealing with Bipolar Disorder, and to share with anyone who can relate to living your life at one emotional pole or the other that…

“Hey, this IS Normal.”

Welcome to Life @ the Poles.

Peace,
Abby